In 2004 I joined the Army, knowing the likelihood of deploying was very high. I went to basic training that August then on to advanced individual training (AIT) where I trained for my MOS, 88M, aka motor transport operator. I got my alert orders to go to Iraq while I was in AIT. I was only home for 2 weeks from AIT, but was at my unit in Ogden, Utah every day preparing to leave for mobilization training at Ft. Bliss, Texas. We were at Ft. Bliss for three months then headed to Kuwait then on to Iraq. While in Iraq our main mission was delivering fuel and ammo to the other bases in our region. We did so via convoys to each base. While on our convoys we dealt with IED's, gunfire and other threats. The threats were not only outside the wire as we would get incoming enemy fire from outside the base as well. After 355 days in country we headed home in June 2006.

After getting home to Utah I met my first husband and got married in November 2006 we moved to Tennessee in December of that same year. Little did I know just how much war had changed me. I can't pinpoint an exact moment when my mental health started to decline, it was over time. Unfortunately I was receiving "care" at the third worst VA in the nation at the time. I was struggling with anger, outbursts, night terrors, triggers, throwing things, breaking things, black out anger on top declining mental and physical health. The VA did put me on a medication for depression but did not do any psychotherapy that I needed. It was so bad that I ended up getting divorced in October 2009. I had no idea what was wrong with me, I had never done things like that before and the VA was of no help to me.

In December 2009 I would set off on my second mobilization training before heading to Iraq for the second time. At this time I took myself off the depression medication as I didn't see any benefits from it. This deployment was short and not nearly as eventful as my first. However, since I already had undiagnosed mental illness I further declined after returning in June 2010. I was enrolled at Middle Tennessee State University to continue my bachelors in Animal Science concentration on Pre-Veterinary Medicine, with plans to go on to Veterinary school. I was struggling to go to school every day. I couldn't get myself out of bed, it was mentally exhausting just to think about getting ready for the day let alone going somewhere and having to interact with people. My physical health took a toll on me as well. I was in so much pain from muscular and nerve injuries that the VA kept brushing off and trying to just medicate me with narcotics and not fix the problem. Many days I was unable to walk, I would stand up and promptly fall due to my right leg not working properly. When I was sitting or laying down my leg would kick out uncontrollably which made for some embarrassing moments when around people. I ended up failing out of college in spring 2011 due to all these struggles I was dealing with.

In fall of 2011 met my second husband while he was on a mission for his church, when he returned home we started talking which lead to us getting married in June 2012. I was still struggling both mentally and physically and it really took a toll on me. I had switched jobs from doing security to phone sales so I didn't have to be on my feet and walking as much which increased my pain. In October 2013 I had a mental break down and asked to be put inpatient at the VA I received my "care" at. I was told that it was not a good idea to go inpatient because they would not be able to give me the care I needed. So my husband took me home. I quit my full time job the next day and went home with no idea what I was going to do next.

Later that year I got pregnant with my first child who was born in August 2014 via c-section. My birth was traumatic which didn't help my mental health at all. I can still remember sitting on my psychiatrists floor with my 4 month old baby in tears because I was struggling so much with post-partum depression. I was begging for help and all she had to say was "it's just the baby blues you're a new mom" (baby blues lasts a couple weeks not months to years), she never even looked up from her computer during our session. I never went back. I also sought help from my primary care physician in the women's clinic, she had the same response. Having two professionals tell me I was ok and I was just adjusting to having a kid further sent me into a mental decline. I kept thinking well they tell me I am ok so I must be right? Wrong!

Thankfully we had the opportunity to move back to Utah in 2015. The Salt Lake VA was night and day compared to the Murfreesboro VA. When I told my provider in our first appointment that I was pretty sure I had post-partum depression she had me seeing a counselor within 30 minutes. Through seeing her we discovered it would be best that I went on to see a psychiatrist so I could get medication to help with my mental illnesses and other therapy modalities. I have now been with that psychiatrist consistently since 2015, and have been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression, ADHD and Anxiety.

We welcomed our second baby in 2016. This birth was so empowering. I had a vaginal birth after cesarean (vbac) and my team was amazing. I was worried that since I had pre-eclampsia and needing to be induced that they would go automatic cesarean. Thankfully my OBGYN was confident in my ability to birth vaginally. This experience did not take away the trauma from my first birth but helped me heal tremendously. Since we knew my mental health diagnoses we were able to keep an eye out for post-partum depression. I had some but not nearly as bad as the first time. I have my providers to thank for this. Having that open line of communication and knowing I wouldn't be ignored made for a healthy and empowering experience.

In 2017 my kids dad and I divorced and I have been a single mother since. When we first divorced we were homeless and received help from a veterans program called SSVF (soldiers, sailors, veterans and families) so thankfully got housed fairly quickly. I was starting to feel really good about my mental health and asked my psychiatrist if there was a way I could help other veterans navigate the system and support them so they hopefully don't have the same experiences I have had. She told me about the Peer Support program and where to get information. I went over got the information and filled out my application. I had an interview in September 2018 then started training in November 2018. My class graduated in February 2019. I have since worked in the Homeless Program, Inpatient Psych Unit, General Mental Health, 1:1 with veterans, become WRAP certified and SMART Recovery certified.

Parenthood brings it's own challenges without adding in mental illness. Being open with my kids at their age level has helped. I've made sure they understand that there were things that happened to me in Iraq before they were ever born and sometimes things trigger me and I react ways that can be hard for them. I also got them in therapy so they can have a chance to talk to someone besides me about how they are feeling or what they are having a hard time with. It's one of the best decisions I've made as a parent. Sometimes I feel like I am messing up their lives because I have PTSD and other mental illness. I have to remind myself that I am doing what I can just like any other parent and that I recognize that there are things I need to work on and do so in therapy.

I have been searching for classes or courses that help navigate being a parent with mental illness, more specifically PTSD, and have not found one. I decided that if no one has done this I can't sit around waiting for someone else to do it so I will do it along with help from colleagues and community input. This is where Utah's Mental Health Group came to fruition so I can offer these resources to not only veterans but our community as a whole. I'm so excited to be able to share my lived experience and tools I've learned that work with you to help you navigate your mental health recovery journey.

Amanda Holder, CPSS

IGY6!